Behold: I have a new site

Hello, followers. Thought you might like to know that Cynical Film Reviews is now called CineWipe and you can find all of my posts at

It has magical sliding pictures and what I’m told is a highly responsive theme. At least that’s what they said before taking my money. Anyway, stop gawping at the picture below and witness the majesty of the real thing. See you over there.


Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 16.55.58



Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice review – A brilliant romantic comedy

batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice_bb788b6fBatman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is a brilliant romantic comedy about a psychologically damaged vigilante falling in love with a super alien. But like a schoolchild treats their first crush, Batman (Ben Affleck) displays his feelings for Superman (Henry Cavill) by hitting him. Granted, he hits him quite hard, multiple times, once with a sink over the head, but you know the chemistry’s there. Continue reading

Daisy Ridley to play your girlfriend in your imagination

daisy_ridley_star_wars_premiereStar Wars: The Force Awakens star Daisy Ridley has confirmed she’s been approached for the role of Lara Croft, prompting men everywhere to imagine a reality where the 23-year-old wants to be with them forever.

Article from Empire Online

Daisy Ridley has publicly confirmed for the first that she has been approached to play Lara Croft in a new adaptation of the Tomb Raider series – paving the way for all manner of ‘Tomb Rey-der’ puns.

The actress was first linked to the role earlier this month, but had not commented on the reports until now. Choosing her words carefully (“I was not told how to answer this question!”), Ridley said she had been having several meetings about the role, “but meetings don’t mean you’re going to do the film”.

She did, however, recognise the swell of fan support for the casting idea – ”everyone seems to be very excited about the idea” – but clarified that the project was still in its very early stages. “I don’t even think there’s a script yet.”


Leon: The Professional review

leon-stills-leon-leon-the-professional-24525341-1788-1169-1French director and writer Luc Besson has had a curious career thus far. In recent years he’s brought us films like The Transporter, Taken and Lucy, which are all shit. But prior to that, he was responsible for cult classics such as The Fifth Element and La Femme Nikita, establishing a unique visual style that basically looks like someone’s turned the colour saturation right up in an attempt to blind all the characters. Being a fan of that particular look (and Natalie Portman), I decided to watch Leon: The professional, arguably Besson’s best work. I’m only 22 years late. Continue reading

Indiana Jones 5 to make up for whatever the fuck the last one was


(Look at the state of that picture. Christ)

Disney have announced they will be making another shitload of money after confirming Indiana Jones 5 for a summer 2019 release.

And yes, it will star Harrison Ford. Not Chris Pratt or Shia Labeouf Wellington.

Steven Spielberg will be back to direct it, but there’s no mention of George Lucas. He’s still in exile on Dagobah.

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Here’s a proper press release.

Indiana Jones will return to the big screen on July 19, 2019, for a fifth epic adventure in the blockbuster series. Steven Spielberg, who directed all four previous films, will helm the as-yet-untitled project with star Harrison Ford reprising his iconic role. Franchise veterans Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall will produce.

“Indiana Jones is one of the greatest heroes in cinematic history, and we can’t wait to bring him back to the screen in 2019,” said Alan Horn, Chairman, The Walt Disney Studios. “It’s rare to have such a perfect combination of director, producers, actor and role, and we couldn’t be more excited to embark on this adventure with Harrison and Steven.”

Famed archaeologist and explorer Indiana Jones was introduced in 1981’s Raiders of the Lost Ark – one of AFI’s 100 Greatest American Films of All Time – and later thrilled audiences in 1984’s Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 1989’s Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and 2008’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The four films have brought in nearly $2 billion at the global box office.

House of Cards Season 4 review

bal-best-worst-house-of-cards-season-4-001I feel sorry for you Americans. Choosing a candidate for the Presidential Primaries must be like deciding which STD you’d rather have flaring up your urethra. They’re all such caricatures even Kevin Spacey’s Frank Underwood from House of Cards is starting to look tame. He’s only killed a couple of people and manipulated the entire system to get into the Oval Office. In real life we have a sentient toupee hell-bent on building a wall to keep out all the not white people, inciting enough anger to cause a civil war fit for Captain American and Iron Man. I know which reality I find more ridiculous. But isn’t the fictional TV show meant to be the one producing all the drama? I mean, who’s doing the parodying here? If it’s not HoC then we might as well start binge-watching the news instead. Continue reading

Spider-Man introduction to Captain America: Civil War prompts widespread masturbation

CdNHC-_W4AA_MM-The second official trailer for Captain America: Civil War shows more of the same; perturbed facial expressions, inconsequential background explosions and everyone quietly ignoring the fact that Scarlett Johansson’s character would clearly be mashed by any one of the proper superheroes.

But everyone is obviously masturbating over Spider-Man. Fittingly, he’s introduced by shooting a load of his white goo all over Captain America, an act that I’m sure many fanboys fantasise about.

As for myself, I’m not so sure about his animated eyes. Unless he has a serious case of conjunctivitis and it’s seeping through the material.

You can watch the trailer here.



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Gods of Egypt review – They weren’t even being ironic

gods-of-egyptGods of Egypt is a film that actually exists. That means director Alex Proyas and other people of considerable stature and wealth unanimously agreed it would be a good idea to make this. And they weren’t even being ironic. They also agreed that their leading actors would be white, despite the movie being set in North fucking Africa. But I don’t see too much point in lamenting what was always going to be an abomination. After seeing the trailer I knew it’d be a worse creature than if Clash of the Titans and Exodus: Gods and Kings produced a love child purely from sodomy. The question is whether this can be enjoyed on a simplistic, leave your brain at the door level. Continue reading