Oscar acceptance speech
Gosh. Wow. (Wait for standing ovation to finish.) Thank you so much. This is incredible. I mean, it’s not actually incredible, like staring into a black hole or discovering alien life, but still.
Firstly, I want to thank the Academy. Thank you for acknowledging this remarkable film and thank you for acknowledging my performance. As you know, it presented a variety of challenges, like sitting around and waiting for the sun to come out so Alejandro could film in natural light. At times I had to question if it was worth the $20 million they were paying me. We also had to deal with the mood swings of a premenstrual bear (pause for laughs). I’m just kidding; she showed great professionalism and deserves to be up here with me.
The hardest part for me was filming the scenes where I wasn’t crawling or screaming and actually had to act. I was getting used to playing around in the mud and then they asked me to convincingly deliver a couple of lines. It was hard not to slip back into the generic, softly-spoken character I usually play.
I’m just glad the Academy has chosen to recognise this performance as my best. I was incomparably better in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Beach, The Aviator and Blood Diamond, but there’s something seriously satisfying about winning when you don’t deserve it.
Next, I want to thank Tom Hardy for completely outacting me in my own film. I think people saw the lack of depth in my character compared to his as some sort of metaphor for the financial deficit or something. From now on I’m going to let my supporting cast do all the acting while I occasionally pull strenuous faces and froth at the mouth. Maybe you’ll all think I’m conveying a message about global poverty.
And Alejandro González Iñárritu, without you this film would be nothing. Literally nothing. No one else would have bothered to make it.
Thank you to the millions of teenage girls and their mothers who are still convinced I might one day fuck them. If it weren’t for your constant crying and reposting of memes on Facebook I wouldn’t be standing here today. I want all of you to know that I was thinking of your beautiful lady flowers when I was munching on that raw bison liver. Yes, I did throw up, but not because I find the thought of being sexually intimate with you utterly repulsive.
I also want to thank my fellow nominees. Thank you for not making that scene where I get naked and sleep inside a dead horse’s body a humiliating waste of time. Michael Fassbender, you were tremendous as Steve Jobs. You really made me believe you might one day die of pancreatic cancer. Matt Damon, you stole the show in The Martian. Eddie Redmayne, it takes balls to dress up like a woman. And Bryan Cranston, I haven’t seen Trumbo yet, but I fucking loved you as Hal in Malcolm in the Middle.
Most importantly, I want to thank Satan. Thank you, O Dark One, for creating a reality where sickeningly rich people get together and reward each other’s pretending skills. Thank you for also making us the spokespeople for important things, like the environment, gender equality and car adverts.
Oh yeah, and thanks mum for giving me life.
(The hurry up music will probably start playing at this point.)
Oh shit, erm… Thanks to all the catering staff, thanks to my next-door neighbour, thanks to Alec Baldwin who frequently told me to go fuck myself during The Departed and kept me grounded, thanks to my limo driver and thanks to the host tonight, Chris Rock, for telling lots of unpredictable jokes about ethnic diversity. Thank you, everyone.
Speech written by Chris Edwards